


Overwhelmed

by Buttercup_ghost



Series: Loathing [2]
Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Angst, BECAUSE FETSHIZING US IS AN ACT OF HOMOPHOBIA, Childhood Friends, Dehumanization, Depression, Dissociation, F/F, First Love, I...internalized polyphobia? Is that a thing??, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Mental Health Issues, Pedophilia, Secret Relationship, Shameless projection onto character(S), Social Media, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, WERE NOT A KINK WERE ACTUAL PEOPLE WITH EMOTIONS AND OUR LOVE IS NOT INHERENTLY SEXUAL
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-03 20:31:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14004171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buttercup_ghost/pseuds/Buttercup_ghost
Summary: She needs to tell them. She knows this. She can't just leave them with words unspoken, without a goodbye.Knowing you need to do something, and actually doing it are two different things.(Its the last day honoka has at this school.)





	Overwhelmed

_“I love you," tsubasa declared._

 

 

Honoka smiled slightly in her sleep, for the first time in months, dreaming of tsubasas smell. It hurt how kind she was, but, more often than not, honoka found she craved this kind of pain. It wasn't dull, nor was it a stab. It was just a weight on her chest, hard to deal with, but comforting. Her body ached and ached, her heart beating wildly, but she grinned. It was like dancing.

Wild, yet controlled. Exhausting, but satisfying.

She still didn't think she deserved it.

 

  
She doesn't tell them. She knows it's selfish, and cruel. She's already filled out her transfer papers, turning them in just earlier today. Kotori's mom looked shocked, but she tried to ignore it, only vaguely answering her questions with a forced, practiced smile. But she still can't bring herself to speak to her friends—her friends? Was that still right? Was it ever?—especially not the two girls she grew up with. It hurts, so different to the hurt filled comfort she gets around tsubasa. She hates it.

And every time they look at each other, eyes meeting in the way she gazed to tsubasa, is a stab in the chest.

She wants them to gaze at her like that. She wants them to stay with her. She wants them to love her like they used to. To not exclude her from them. To not leave her—just please, don't leave her. But it's already said and done, isn't it?

She had always thought they'd be together forever when they were little. Best friends. Looking back, they were her agape. An innocent childhood love.

A part of her wanted to go back to that, kisses on their cheeks and declarations of love, laced with childish incomprehension. Pure.

But then she would have never met tsubasa.

She wanted an ideal world. She wanted an ideal love. She wanted her hands to be intertwined in her two childhood loves, and her hair to be stroked lovingly by this new love. This desperate, gaping love that she wouldn't trade for the world. She didn't want to let go of anything.

She cared too much. She always cared too much.

Selfishly, taking, greedy hands trying to scoop up love. Trying to keep her friends close, close, so they can't run away. Caged birds. She always wanted what she couldn't have. She wanted everything.

Everyone always just wants everything.

 

 

 

She owed them, she knew—they were her friends, at the very least, even if it wasn't like what she wanted. She was the third wheel, but she was still a wheel. She just needed to give them the heads up that she'd be removed, soon, them ready to ride the bike of love alone, steady enough without her, now. She's out lived her use to them, and no one wants a third wheel forever, right? People would make fun of them.

  
So, when everyone leaves, she stays behind, trying to get words out. But they don't come.

Her throat is dry, and she licks her lips. They're cracking. Kotori and umi are glancing at her, like they're hoping she'll leave soon. She turns her head away from them.

She needs water, she tells herself. It's not a lie, but she knows she's just stalling.

She goes to the water fountain anyways, because she's never been that strong.

 

  
The phone in her pocket buzzes. Normally, she keeps it on silent, but now that tsubasas number is one of the one in it, she decided she couldn't ignore her phone anymore. Idly, she thinks that it's still too early for tsubasa, so it must be another fan. She doesn't know anymore if she should call them that, though. It makes her sick. It makes her want to puke.

She doesn't know why she thought it was a good idea, at the time. Maybe their rising popularity went to her head, a bit, without her realizing. Maybe she got overconfident. Maybe she thought she was actually doing well, actually succeeding in live, actually making her fans happy. Maybe she thought she could manage it.

Maybe it was because umi kept saying she needed to act more like a leader, maybe it was because of kotoris silence in umis wake.

Of course, she had seen hate before this, but that was just in passing. And she never read it, really, only skipping over it when the first insult was hurled. She was never super active on any sites, either, before this, and figured that everyone gets hate once in a while. Sure, it hurt, but she didn't know the extent of it, how bad it could get, not truly.

How would she know?

How would she know that fans disliked her? How would she know that fans who didn't sexualized her? Fetishized her teammates relationships?

Shipped them? Wrote stories about them?

As if they weren't even real people, with real lives.

How would she know that men would message her, far too old to be her fans, calling her their wife, or the best girl, or—

Or try to hit on her?

How would she know?

How _could_ she know?

She trembles. She's been staring blankly at the sink for twenty minutes.

She moves, stiff, on automatic. Back to the classroom. Back to the door. Back to her friends. Back to _safety,_ because she know knows all too much than she'd like that this world is _dangerous._ She wants her friends to wrap her up in a hug and comfort her, but she didn't want to tell them. It felt private to speak of. Tainted. Dirty. So, no matter how painful, she'd stick to standing in their presence.

She wanted comfort, from them. She wanted _love_  from them.

She knew that was unfair of her.

 

_and—_

 

They're kissing.

Her veins turn to ice.

 

_(—she's so unfair, not even telling them she's going to leave, transfer schools, all because of stupid crushes she should have stamped out long ago.)_

 

 

 

Honoka ** _runs._**

 

  
_“You shouldn't,” honoka smiled._

**Author's Note:**

> Fanfics of fictional stuff: [good shit meme]
> 
> Fanfics of Actual Human Beings: discomfort™
> 
> Anyways having crushes more than one person doesn't make you selfish, and you're valid as heck, but I know that with all the stigma against poly people, a lot of people are conditioned to think you can only have one person you love, and if you don't, you're somehow "selfish". That's not true, no matter what your brain is telling you, ok? You're great, you're not broken, and you're not selfish. Youre in _love_ , and love can be beautiful. It can also be painful, sometimes, but it can also be amazing. It sucks when it's unrequited, but when it is requited, it can be great. I think it's important to also remember that you don't need spouse(s) if you don't want one, wither it be because you're taking a break from dating, not ready, or never felt the attraction and pull people talk of. Love takes many forms, after all, and as long as the relationship—friendship or otherwise—is healthy, there's nothing wrong.
> 
> I hope this made sense iddhsicw???? 
> 
> I'm tired & gay & depressed


End file.
